- The science of getting closer, in plain English
- Round one: easy questions
- Round two: stories and values
- Round three: more personal questions
- Bonus round: fun get to know you questions
- Using these questions in different settings
- How to get better at getting to know someone
- My advice for getting to know people
- Frequently asked questions
Here are 34 get to know you questions, arranged in three rounds that get gradually more personal, plus a fun bonus round. The order matters: the best-known study on closeness had strangers take turns answering questions of increasing intimacy, and the pairs ended up feeling noticeably closer.
Whether it's a new colleague, a new friend, a housemate or someone you've just started dating, getting to know a person is mostly about asking good questions and listening closely to the answers. These questions are designed to be asked in order. Round one is easy, round two is about values and stories, and round three is for when you've built a little trust. There's a bonus round of silly questions too, for when the mood needs lifting or a group needs a laugh.
The science of getting closer, in plain English
In 1997 Arthur and Elaine Aron published a paper whose appendix held 36 questions of increasing intimacy. Strangers paired up and took turns asking them, and they developed a stronger sense of closeness; the list has since been used in hundreds of studies. A separate line of research on the liking gap found that after chatting with someone new, people consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them.
| Principle | Where it comes from | How to use it |
|---|---|---|
| Increase intimacy gradually | The Aron closeness study | Ask the rounds below in order |
| Take turns | The Aron study had both people answer every question | Answer each question yourself too |
| Trust it went well | The liking gap research | Don't over-analyse afterwards; they probably liked you |
Round one: easy questions
Light, quick and fun. Good for new colleagues, classmates and the first ten minutes of anything.
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Where did you grow up, and what was it like?
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What do you do to relax at the end of a long day?
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What's your favourite meal to cook or order?
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Are you a morning person or a night owl?
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What's a hobby you've always wanted to try?
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What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
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Which place have you visited that you'd go back to tomorrow?
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What did you want to be when you grew up?
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What's a song you never get tired of?
Round two: stories and values
These reveal what someone cares about. Follow up with 'What was that like?'
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What's something you're proud of that you don't often talk about?
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Who's had the biggest influence on how you see the world?
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What's a decision that changed the direction of your life?
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What does a really good weekend look like for you?
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What's a belief you held strongly and later changed?
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What's a lesson you learnt the hard way?
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What are you looking forward to over the next few months?
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What's something people often misunderstand about you?
Round three: more personal questions
Save these for when there's some trust. Share your own answer first if it helps.
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What's something you're still working on about yourself?
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I build the systems that handle the boring 80 percent, so you get your week back. Done properly, with the human kept in.
When did you last feel really understood by someone?
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What's a fear you've managed to overcome?
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What would you like more of in your life right now?
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What's a memory you return to when you need cheering up?
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What does friendship mean to you?
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What's something you wish you'd known five years ago?
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What's one thing you'd like people to remember about you?
Bonus round: fun get to know you questions
Good for groups, parties and lightening the mood between rounds.
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If you could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, who?
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What's the strangest food you've ever eaten?
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What would your autobiography be called?
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If you won a free holiday anywhere tomorrow, where would you go?
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What's a skill you have that nobody would guess?
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Which fictional world would you most like to live in?
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What's the worst haircut you've ever had?
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If you could only eat one food forever, what would it be?
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What's your most useless talent?
Using these questions in different settings
At work, stay in round one and the gentler half of round two; nobody wants to discuss their fears over the coffee machine. With a new friend, round two is where things get interesting, and round three can wait for the third or fourth meet-up. On a date, mix rounds one and two and save round three for when it feels natural. With a group, the bonus round keeps things light and gives quieter people an easy way in. In every setting, the follow-up question matters more than the next question on the list.
How to get better at getting to know someone
- Ask in order. Jumping straight to round three feels intrusive; earning it feels natural.
- Answer every question yourself as well, as the closeness study did.
- Listen for one detail and ask about it. 'You mentioned your nan's kitchen, tell me more' is gold.
- Remember answers and bring them up later. It shows you were listening, and it's one of the quickest ways to make someone feel valued.
- Let people pass. Some questions land differently for different lives.
For a relaxed way to spend time with new friends, my round-up of party board games has easy picks, and if you're meeting people at work, my guide to answering questions with confidence helps with the nerves.
My advice for getting to know people
Pick three questions from round one and one from round two for a first meeting, and keep round three for later conversations. Answer them yourself, follow up on the details, and don't spend the journey home replaying every word. The research suggests the other person enjoyed it more than you think.
Frequently asked questions
What are good get to know you questions?
Start with easy questions about hobbies, food and favourite places, then move to stories and values, such as 'What's a decision that changed the direction of your life?'
What are the 36 questions to fall in love?
A set of questions of increasing intimacy published by Arthur and Elaine Aron in 1997. Pairs of strangers who took turns answering them developed a stronger sense of closeness.
How do you ask get to know you questions without it feeling like an interview?
Ask in order from light to personal, answer each question yourself, and follow up on details rather than racing to the next question.
What are fun get to know you questions for groups?
Try 'What would your autobiography be called?', 'What's your most useless talent?' or 'Which fictional world would you most like to live in?'
What is the liking gap?
A research finding that after a conversation with someone new, people consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them.
