Here are 34 questions to ask your partner, from fun date-night questions to ones about memories, the future and how you look after each other. Relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute call this building your Love Map: keeping an up-to-date picture of your partner's inner world, which needs refreshing as people change.
However long you've been together, there's always more to find out. People change, and the partner you met five or fifteen years ago has new worries, dreams and opinions you might not have caught up with. These questions are a way to catch up on purpose. Use them on a date night, a long walk or a car journey, and don't rush. One good question can carry a whole evening, and the answers might surprise you both.
Why asking questions keeps a relationship strong
The Gottman Institute's Sound Relationship House model offers two useful ideas:
| Idea | What the research says | How these questions help |
|---|---|---|
| Love Maps | The first level of the house: knowing your partner's history, goals, worries and dreams, and updating it as their world changes | The memories and future sections refresh your map |
| Turning towards | Couples still married at a six-year follow-up turned towards each other's bids for connection 86% of the time; couples who divorced, 33% | Listening and following up is turning towards |
| Increasing closeness | Arthur and Elaine Aron's 1997 study used 36 questions of increasing intimacy to build closeness between strangers | Start light and go deeper as the conversation warms up |
The surprising part is how small turning towards can be. It isn't grand gestures; it's putting your phone down when your partner says 'look at this'. Asking a question and listening to the whole answer is the same skill.
Fun questions for date night
Light, playful questions to warm up. Good for a dinner out or a night in.
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What's your idea of a perfect lazy Sunday?
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If we could live anywhere for a year, where should we go?
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What's a song that always reminds you of us?
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Which of your habits do you think I find most charming?
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If we had a free day tomorrow with no plans, what would you want to do?
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What's a film you'd happily watch with me again and again?
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What's the best meal we've ever shared?
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If we were on a reality show, what would it be?
Questions about memories
Revisit your story together. You'll often remember the same moment very differently.
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What was your first impression of me?
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When did you first know you liked me?
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What's your favourite memory of us?
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What's a moment you felt really proud of me?
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Which trip or holiday together stands out for you, and why?
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What's something I did early on that you still remember?
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When did you feel most supported by me?
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What's a difficult time we got through that made us stronger?
Questions about the future
Dreams and plans. Gottman's model puts making life dreams come true near the top of the house.
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What's one dream you'd like us to make happen together?
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Where do you see us in five years?
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What's something you want to learn, and how can I help?
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What tradition would you like us to start?
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What would you like our home to feel like?
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What's an adventure you'd love us to have?
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What does a good life together look like to you?
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What's one thing you'd like us to do more of?
Questions about how we look after each other
Deeper questions for a calm moment. Listen without defending yourself.
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How do you like to be comforted when you've had a bad day?
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When do you feel most loved by me?
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What's something small I could do more often that would mean a lot?
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Is there anything you've been wanting to tell me but haven't found the right moment?
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How can I support you better when you're stressed?
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What's one thing you need more of from me right now?
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How do you like to make up after an argument?
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What makes you feel most at home with me?
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What's something you're worried about that I might not know?
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What do you think we do best as a couple?
When a question lands badly
Sometimes a question opens something tender. Your partner goes quiet, or the answer stings a little. That's not a sign you've done it wrong; it's a sign the question mattered. Slow down, say thank you for telling me, and resist the urge to fix or defend. You can always come back to it another day. If the same topic keeps turning into the same argument, that's worth talking through with a couples counsellor, who can help you both feel heard.
How to get better conversations with your partner
- Put phones away. Turning towards starts with attention.
- Answer the questions yourself too. It's a conversation, not an interview.
- Follow up with 'tell me more' instead of moving straight on.
- Pick the moment. Deeper questions need a calm, unhurried evening.
- Thank them for their answers, especially the vulnerable ones, and don't bring them up later in an argument.
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My advice for couples
Choose four questions, one from each group, and save them for an evening without screens. Answer them yourself, listen closely to theirs, and follow up on anything that surprises you. Doing this every few months is one of the simplest ways to keep your Love Map current, and it often leads to the best conversations you'll have all year.
Frequently asked questions
What are good questions to ask your partner?
Mix fun questions, like 'What's your idea of a perfect lazy Sunday?', with deeper ones, like 'When do you feel most loved by me?'
What is a Love Map?
The Gottman Institute's term for knowing your partner's history, goals, worries and dreams. It's the first level of its Sound Relationship House model.
What does turning towards your partner mean?
Responding to their small bids for attention. The Gottman Institute says couples still married at a six-year follow-up turned towards bids 86% of the time.
What are deep questions to ask your partner?
Try 'How do you like to be comforted when you've had a bad day?' or 'Is there anything you've been wanting to tell me?'
How often should couples have deep conversations?
There's no set rule, but a regular check-in every few weeks or months helps you keep up with how each other is changing.
