- What psychologists found about talking to strangers
- Easy openers for meeting someone new
- Work and networking conversation starters
- Conversation starters for friends
- Deeper conversation starters
- Questions to avoid, and what to ask instead
- How to get better conversations going and keep them going
- My advice for your next conversation
- Frequently asked questions
Here are 32 conversation starters for meeting new people, work events, friends and going a little deeper. Two findings make them easier to use: people consistently underestimate how much a new conversation partner likes them, and they overestimate how awkward a deeper question will feel.
Most of us know the panic of standing next to someone at an event with nothing to say. We grab the weather, the traffic or the canapés, and the conversation dies in thirty seconds. The fix isn't being naturally charming; it's having two or three good questions ready and trusting that the other person wants the conversation to go well too. The research says they almost certainly do, and that small shift in belief makes the first question far easier to ask.
What psychologists found about talking to strangers
Two studies are worth knowing before you use any of these:
| Finding | What the research showed | What it means for you |
|---|---|---|
| The liking gap | Across five studies (Boothby and colleagues, Psychological Science), people consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them | You're probably coming across better than you think |
| Deep beats shallow | Kardas, Kumar and Epley found people overestimated how awkward deep conversations with strangers would be and underestimated how interested others were | It's fine to skip small talk sooner than feels natural |
The detail I find most useful comes from the second study, reported by the American Psychological Association. People who had both a shallow and a deep conversation expected to prefer the shallow one, then preferred the deep one after having both. So the question that feels risky is often the one that works.
Easy openers for meeting someone new
Light, open questions that can't be answered with yes or no. Follow up on whatever they light up about.
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What's keeping you busy at the moment, apart from work?
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How do you know the host?
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What's the best thing that's happened to you this week?
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Have you been to anything like this before?
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What are you looking forward to over the next few weeks?
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Where's somewhere you'd recommend that most people don't know about?
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What did you want to be when you were a child?
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What's something you've learnt recently that surprised you?
Work and networking conversation starters
Swap 'what do you do?' for questions about what people enjoy, which leads to better conversations and better memories of you.
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What's the most interesting project you're working on right now?
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What got you into your line of work?
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What's a part of your job people would be surprised by?
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What's the best piece of advice you've been given at work?
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What's something you're trying to get better at this season?
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Which talk or session today has stuck with you, and why?
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If you weren't doing this, what would you be doing?
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Who's someone in your industry you think more people should know about?
Conversation starters for friends
For dinners, long drives and catch-ups when you want more than 'how's work?'
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What's a small thing that's made you happy lately?
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I build the systems that handle the boring 80 percent, so you get your week back. Done properly, with the human kept in.
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What's something you've changed your mind about recently?
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If you could have a whole free day tomorrow, how would you spend it?
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What's a book, show or podcast you can't stop thinking about?
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What's a memory of us that always makes you laugh?
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What's something you're secretly proud of?
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Which place would you go back to in a heartbeat?
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What's a skill you wish you'd learnt as a child?
Deeper conversation starters
The kind the research says people enjoy more than they expect. Share your own answer too; people reciprocate.
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What's something you're grateful for that you rarely say out loud?
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What's a moment that changed the direction of your life?
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When did you last feel really proud of yourself?
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What does a good life look like to you?
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What's a fear you've overcome?
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Who has shaped who you are more than anyone else?
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What would you tell your younger self if you had one minute?
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What's something you're still trying to work out about yourself?
Questions to avoid, and what to ask instead
Some openers close a conversation before it starts. 'So, what do you do?' can feel like a sorting exercise, especially for someone between jobs or caring for family. 'Are you married?' and 'Do you have kids?' can land badly for reasons you can't see. 'How was your journey?' usually gets one word. Swap them for questions about interests and plans: 'What's keeping you busy?', 'What are you looking forward to?' or 'What's the best thing you've done lately?' They give the other person a choice about what to share, which is kinder and nearly always more interesting. If someone does bring up their job or family, follow their lead and ask more.
How to get better conversations going and keep them going
- Ask a follow-up before sharing your own story. 'What was that like?' is the most useful question there is.
- Share a little in return. The APA-reported research found people tend to reciprocate when you open up.
- Notice what makes their face light up and ask more about that.
- Don't fear a short pause. It feels longer to you than it does to them.
- Remember the liking gap. If you think it went badly, the other person probably enjoyed it more than you assume.
For gatherings, my round-up of party board games takes the pressure off talking, and my guide to answering interview questions with confidence uses many of the same skills.
My advice for your next conversation
Pick two openers and one deeper question before you walk into the room, and use the follow-up habit relentlessly. Then let the research reassure you: you're probably more liked than you think, and the other person is probably more interested in a real conversation than they look.
Frequently asked questions
What are good conversation starters?
Open questions about what people enjoy or are looking forward to work best, such as 'What's keeping you busy at the moment, apart from work?'
What is the liking gap?
A finding from Boothby and colleagues, published in Psychological Science, that people consistently underestimate how much a new conversation partner likes them.
Are deep conversations with strangers awkward?
Less than people expect. Research reported by the APA found people overestimate the awkwardness and underestimate how much they'll enjoy a deeper conversation.
How do I start a conversation at a networking event?
Swap 'what do you do?' for 'What's the most interesting project you're working on right now?' or 'What got you into your line of work?'
How do I keep a conversation going?
Ask a follow-up question before sharing your own story, share something in return, and don't fear short pauses.
