Ghosting is suddenly ending all communication with someone, without warning or explanation, and ignoring their later attempts to get in touch. In dating it can happen after a message, a date or a long relationship. Research suggests ghosters often want to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, so the silence says more about them than about you.
The last date went well. You said goodnight, traded a few messages and then nothing. No reply, no explanation, no goodbye. If you've been through it, you'll know the confusion that follows, and you'll know it has a name: ghosting.
I've gathered this explanation from the research summarised on Wikipedia, with Samaritans for support, so you can understand what ghosting is, why people do it and how to look after yourself if it happens to you. It's general information, not a diagnosis of anyone's behaviour.
What ghosting means when you're dating
Wikipedia defines ghosting as suddenly ending all communication with someone, without warning or explanation, and ignoring later attempts to get in touch. It describes the behaviour as emerging in the early 2000s and becoming widely used around 2015, the year it was added to the Collins English Dictionary. It now applies to friends, family, employers and businesses as well as dates.
In dating, it can happen after one message, one date or months together. The common thread is that the person disappears and doesn't say why.
Why people ghost, according to research
It's tempting to assume the worst about someone who vanishes, but the studies summarised on Wikipedia paint a more mixed picture:
- Park and Klein (2024) found ghosting is often motivated by a wish to avoid causing direct emotional pain, and that people who are ghosted underestimate how much the ghoster cares about them.
- Koessler, Kohut and Campbell (2019) found ghosting is more common in casual dating than in committed relationships.
- Other work cited there links ghosting with traits such as being avoidant or self-centred, so it isn't always about you.
None of this makes it kind. It simply suggests that the silence usually says more about how the other person handles discomfort than about your worth.
How being ghosted can feel
Studies cited on Wikipedia describe ghosting as one of the most hurtful ways to end a relationship. It can bring feelings of rejection, exclusion and frustration, and the lack of explanation can leave you with a sense of being out of control. Some mental health professionals, according to the same article, describe it as a form of stonewalling.
If you've been replaying old messages looking for what went wrong, you're not alone. Without a reason, the mind tends to fill in the gaps, usually with something unkind about yourself.
Ghosting vs breadcrumbing, orbiting and cloaking
| Term | What happens |
|---|---|
| Ghosting | All communication stops suddenly, with no explanation |
| Breadcrumbing | Sporadic, minimal contact that keeps you interested without commitment |
| Orbiting | Direct contact stops, but they keep watching your social media |
| Cloaking | A match blocks you on every app after standing you up |
Wikipedia lists all four as related behaviours. Breadcrumbing is the opposite problem to ghosting, because the contact never fully stops.
What to do if someone ghosts you
- Hold back from chasing. One friendly message is fine. A string of increasingly upset ones rarely brings a reply.
- Treat the silence as an answer. It's not the answer you wanted, but it tells you what you need to know about how they communicate.
- Mute or block if it helps. Seeing their activity can keep the hurt alive, and you don't owe them access to you.
- Lean on people you trust. Talking it over with a friend can take the sting out of the self-blame.
- Look after the basics. Sleep, food and getting outside all help when you're feeling low.
If it's left you feeling low for a long time, or the hurt reminds you of earlier experiences, your GP, a counsellor or a therapist can help. Samaritans is free to call on 116 123, 24 hours a day, if you're finding things hard to cope with.
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If you're the one thinking of ghosting
Nobody owes a stranger endless messages, and if you feel unsafe you shouldn't have to explain yourself. In other situations, a short and kind message is usually better. Something like "I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're the right match" takes a few seconds, and it spares the other person the confusion described above.
Sharing what you know about modern dating
If you coach people through dating or write about how relationships work today, your advice on dealing with ghosting could help readers who are stuck replaying the silence.
I've put together a list of dating publications that run articles from contributors for relationship writers.
Ghosting also isn't the only murky outcome in modern dating. If you've been seeing someone without ever labelling it, read my guide on what a situationship is, and if you're worried you're talking to someone who isn't who they say they are, see what catfishing means.
Frequently asked questions
Why do people ghost in dating?
Research summarised on Wikipedia suggests it's often a way to avoid causing direct emotional pain or an awkward conversation. That doesn't make it fair to the person left waiting.
Is ghosting a form of abuse?
Wikipedia notes that some mental health professionals describe it as passive-aggressive emotional abuse or stonewalling, but this is debated. A single instance of ghosting after a first date is different from a pattern of controlling behaviour.
When did the word ghosting become popular?
According to Wikipedia, the behaviour emerged in the early 2000s and the word became widely used around 2015, when it was added to the Collins English Dictionary.
Should I message someone who has ghosted me?
One short, friendly message is reasonable if you want closure. If you get no reply, it's usually kinder to yourself to step back rather than keep chasing.
Who can I talk to if ghosting is affecting me?
A trusted friend, your GP, a counsellor or a therapist can help. Samaritans is free to call on 116 123 at any time.
