First date red flags are behaviours suggesting someone may be disrespectful, dishonest or unsafe, such as ignoring your boundaries, pressuring you to go somewhere private, or being jealous and controlling. One awkward moment is normal, so look for patterns and trust your instincts. You're always free to leave a date.
First dates are mostly nerves, small talk and a quick check on whether you'd like a second one. Occasionally, though, something doesn't sit right, and it can be hard to tell whether you're being fussy or noticing something real.
I've put this guide together from Wikipedia's explanation of the term, safety advice for meeting online dates and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline's list of controlling-behaviour signs. It's general information to help you trust your instincts, not a way of diagnosing anyone.
What first date red flags are
Wikipedia describes a red flag as an expression for someone or something that is not alright. On a first date, it's a behaviour that suggests a person may not be respectful, honest or safe to spend more time with. One awkward moment isn't a red flag. Nerves, running late or talking too much can happen to anyone. A pattern, or something that makes you uncomfortable, is what to watch for.
Red flags before you even meet
Some warning signs show up in the messages, and the advice on fake profiles and romance fraud points to the same patterns. Be cautious if the person:
- Refuses video calls or phone calls, or keeps cancelling plans to meet.
- Tells you very early on that they have strong feelings for you.
- Asks you to keep things secret from friends and family.
- Wants to move the conversation off the dating app quickly.
- Asks for money, personal details or access to your accounts.
Crimestoppers repeats Action Fraud's advice never to send money to someone you haven't met in person. If a profile seems too good to be true, my guide on what catfishing is explains how to check it.
Red flags during the date itself
Once you're sitting across the table, pay attention to how you feel as well as what's said. These are common things people point to:
- They're rude to waiting staff or other people around you.
- They ignore your boundaries, such as pushing for another drink or something physical after you've said no.
- They talk over you or dismiss your opinions.
- They put you down, even as a joke.
- Their story changes or doesn't add up.
- They spend most of the date on their phone.
- They pressure you to go somewhere private or to leave with them.
Psychology Today's guide to safe online dating makes an important point: you're under no obligation to continue a date, and you can leave if anything feels wrong.
Early signs of controlling behaviour
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline lists a few questions that can help you spot controlling behaviour in a relationship. They're worth keeping in mind early on, because Refuge's warning-signs material says abuse often begins with subtle controlling behaviour and builds over time:
- Are you changing your behaviour because you fear their reaction?
- Are they jealous or possessive?
- Do you feel as if you're walking on eggshells?
- Do you feel controlled or isolated?
- Do they dictate what you wear or where you go?
- Do they swing between charm and put-downs?
One jealous comment on a first date doesn't prove anything. But if a pattern like this appears and you feel uneasy, take it seriously. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and confidential on 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day, and in an emergency you should call 999.
Safe habits for meeting someone new
The best protection is to plan the first meeting so that you can leave easily. Safety advice from several sources agrees on the basics:
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- Choose a busy public place such as a cafe or park, and stay somewhere public.
- Tell someone you trust who you're meeting, where, and when you expect to be home, and plan a check-in during the date.
- Travel on your own rather than accepting a lift to or from the date.
- Pay for yourself and be wary if they offer lavish gifts or ask you for something in return.
- Trust your gut and leave if something feels wrong.
Red flag or just a bad first date?
| Probably just nerves | Worth taking seriously |
|---|---|
| Arriving a few minutes late | Repeatedly cancelling, then expecting you to fit in |
| Talking too much about themselves | Dismissing or mocking what you say |
| Awkward silences | Pressure to go somewhere private |
| Checking a message once | Ignoring you for the phone all evening |
If a date has left you anxious, low or doubting your own judgement, a counsellor, a therapist or your GP can help you make sense of it. Samaritans is free to call on 116 123, 24 hours a day.
Sharing your own dating advice
If you coach people on dating or write about relationships, clear and kind advice on first dates is something many readers are looking for.
Dating coaches who want to share their own advice can browse relationship blogs that take contributor articles.
It also helps to know what happens when a date goes quiet afterwards, so my guide on what a situationship is explains what it can mean when things stay vague.
Frequently asked questions
What is the biggest red flag on a first date?
There isn't one, but a lack of respect for your boundaries is among the most important. Pressure to go somewhere private, ignoring a no or making you feel uneasy are reasons to end the date.
Is it a red flag if someone is late?
Not on its own. Running late once can happen to anyone. A pattern of lateness, cancelling or not explaining is more telling.
How do I leave a date that feels wrong?
You don't have to explain yourself. You're under no obligation to continue a date, so you can say you're heading off and go. Having your own transport and a friend who knows where you are makes this easier.
Are red flags the same as deal breakers?
Not always. A deal breaker is personal, such as wanting different things from life. A red flag suggests disrespect, dishonesty or a risk to your safety.
Who can I contact if a date has made me feel unsafe?
In an emergency call 999. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free on 0808 2000 247 at any time, and Samaritans is free on 116 123 if you want someone to talk to.
